Sensitive men

I visited my brother yesterday at the hospital. He and I talked about his family and what his son was doing. I could see him get tears in his eyes. I felt bad and I was upset at myself for upsetting him. I like when he laughs and jokes. He doesn't do that any more, he spends much time reminiscing about his life and talks about serious things. When I saw him tearing up I know I couldn't. I knew I had to be strong and stay dry eyed. That isn't like me, I am usually the one to tear up first, no matter who I am with. This time I couldn't. I stayed with him for a couple more minutes and talked a little more then I left.

I slowly walked back to my car without talking to anyone. I didn't want to loose the hold I had on myself. I had to be alone. I got to the car and let go, I allowed my emotions to go free. After I did that I texted my friend, I told her I was in the car crying. She texted me back, "How often do you cry a week? You are really sensitive!". I was not sure what she meant by this, she didn't ask me what was the problem. I felt she was criticizing me for crying, and I felt like this is one of the times I am supposed to cry and here someone was laughing me me! wow, I felt betrayed. I realized I can't just open up my feelings to people that don't understand me.

I feel a little silly for being so sensitive sometimes. I often joke about my crying and how I can cry at pretty much anything. I often cry at movies, or I used to. There  was a movie a long time ago called Con Air. This movie was about convicts that escaped from the authorities by air. Many people died. At the end of the movie the little girl finds her father in Las Vegas. The plane crash in the background, the buildings on fire, the dead people in the streets, and the father walking into the open. The little girl runs to him and throws out her arms. My tears were flowing. I hated crying, but I thought about the daughter wanting to find her father so much that is all she focused on!

I knew why I was crying which is not always the case. I often cry and don't even realize why. I have cried at really inconvenient times. I have cried when I should have shown strength. I have cried often and I sometimes think it is a chemical imbalance and sometimes I think it is because I am very sensitive. I don't expect my friends, real friends to criticize it, that is just me! Sometimes I joke about it with friends and we laugh about it together. Many years ago I went to the movies with Sarah. I don't remember what the movie was, but it was only Sarah and I. In the middle of the movie when the theater was very dark Sarah leaned over to me and said, "Don't cry Dad!".

The theater was abosolutely black. No light was no light on my face so I don't know how she knew I was crying. I asked her why she thought I was crying. She said, "I am crying so I know you are too!". It is nice when my kids know me so well. I once went to the movies with a date and we were holding hands. I warned her that I cry often in movies and she said she did too. We made a deal that we would squeeze each other's hand when we started to tear up. In the middle of the movie she just started laughing because she realized how much I teared up. After the movie we walked away and laughed a lot! I dated her for a long time.