Past Christmas Tears

Anyone that knows me is aware that I cry easily. I cry at movies, happy or sad, I cry at when I talk about family, I cry at solemn occasions sad occasions and happy occasions. Tearing up is not unusual for me. The earliest Christmases I remember were ones where my dad was stationed overseas and my mom and my brothers and sisters would have Christmas without him. After college I joined the Army and my first Christmas was in Germany. The first Friday in December we had the annual Christmas tree lighting. There were families and single soldiers and I was a single officer standing around the tree singing Christmas carols. I can remember warm tears rolling down my face as I we sang Silent Night. At that time I really started thinking that Christmas was a time of depression rather than a time of cheer. Everyone wants me to be cheerful, but there is so much stress and pressure that when The Season is over I am more cheerful.

Christmases in Germany after that weren't so bad. I just avoided community festivities. When I got back to the States I was married and that was a different kind of stress. The next Christmas I was overseas was when I was in Korea. I was a commander so I had to sponsor the festivities for the soldiers that were without their families and I kept it low key and uneventful. I spent a lot of time alone when I was commander. One night I was walking past a Korean church when it was dark and freezing. There was about a foot of snow on the ground and snow was falling, settling on my face and clothes.

I walked by a Korean church where they were practicing for Christmas Eve service. I stopped and listened for a while. I found out that Korean Christmas songs were the same as American except in a different language. I stayed a little longer and started singing the songs in English outside in the snow. My jacket and hat were covered with snow after the hour I stood outside that church. Silent Night had the tears running down my face again. Depression set in deeply that year and didn't go away when The Season melted away. 5 years later I was in Korea for Christmas with my wife and 2 kids.

I came home late on Christmas Eve and had the kids presents. We lived on the fifth floor with no elevator and I walked up the stairs and we put the gifts under the tree. The two girls were sleeping in the living room waiting for Santa Claus to come. After putting the gifts under the tree we opened the door and yelled, "Bye Santa!". It woke the kids up and one of them went running down the stairs to catch up with Santa. We all stayed up late that evening and played with the toys. From then on we gave presents on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas Day. I can remember the last Christmas I spent with my family before my divorce. It was a stressful Christmas and 2 days later I got thrown out of the house for the third time that week and I never went back. From then on my kids would spend Christmas Eve with me and Christmas Day with their mom. The kids and I go to a restaurant and then they go to Christmas Eve Service with their mom and church friends. Every year I go home and am in tears.

Two years ago it was only me and two daughters, last year and this year it is only Sarah and I. If I move I have a feeling Christmas will only be me again, with memories of my first Christmases after I finished college. We will see what happens, I'm just glad The Season is only really 3 weeks and then life gets back to normal. People always ask why I don't decorate my house and I always tell them I'm busy and I don't see a reason to decorate just for myself.