Choices

This morning I went on a hike with my MeetUp group. I gave a friend a ride and on our way we passed her car and she saw that her car had been hit the night before. Luckily there was a note on her windshield with the man's name and insurance information. I convinced her to go to on the hike even though she felt miserable and we had fun. On the way home we passed a car that had smoke pouring out of the engine and I stopped on the side of the road to help push him to around the corner out of the flow of traffic. After I did that she made the comment that I always did nice things.

I told her that sometimes I don't feel like I have a choice. I have to do what feels like I am supposed to do. I told her that isn't always the best thing for me since sometimes I get hurt by my own choices. I helped her take care of her car on the way home and she and I discussed more about how my choices put others in a better position than me. Sometimes the fight for my job right now makes me worried that one of the other two people who does my job in California may get the job and I don't. Sometimes doing things for others is a strength and sometimes it is a weakness.

Last week I was helping another friend and realized that my help was preventing that friend from finding a way to do it themselves. I don't do things that hurt me and help the other person, but I also am compelled to help others or I regret it later. If I hadn't helped the man push him truck I would have thought about it for a week. Sometimes I feel my choices are not my choices. I feel compelled to do things and I have no choice about it. I want to make it a choice that I do because I want rather than a compulsion that I feel I must follow.