Life CAN'T be put on hold

Sarah at 8

It's 5am on a Saturday morning and I can't sleep. In four hours my youngest daughter moves into the dorms to start her Freshman year of college! She should be the one awake at 5am, not me. I guess sometimes I get too emotional for my own good. As I write this tears are forming in my eyes, aaahhhhhhhhh!! You know they say you shouldn't love one child more than the others and I really believe that. You don't love them more, you just love them differently and it keeps changing depending on the situation and which one needs you at the moment.

Youngest daughter

Sarah is my third daughter and she has been different than the other two. When the first two were in elementary school we lived in Korea and I worked 12 hours a day. My oldest two daughters didn't speak English when they were young and I didn't speak Korean so we couldn't communicate well. We came back to the USA when Sarah was 3 so English was easy for her to pick up. I got divorced when Sarah was 5 so she can't even remember when I lived in the house. Me living 10 minutes away is all she ever knew. When she was young her mom would shield her from me. I was never invited to her school events and I never knew when she had sporting events. It was like her mom allowed me to be involved her her sister's lives, but didn't allow me to see Sarah often. I still have stories about Sarah in the younger years, but not as many as her sisters.

Sarah at 7

When Sarah started 4th grade her mom was in Korea so I got to be in her life more. I can remember the first parent-teacher conference I went to, Sarah sleeping at my house for a month and other little things like that most father's experience. After that I was as involved in her life as I was the other two. I took her to softball games, picked her up from school, helped her do homework, and celebrated special events with her. It was very interesting when the middle daughter, Jayne, came to me and said, "Dad, if you think I'm smart then you should see how smart Sarah is!" I hadn't known Jayne was smart, but it surprised me that one sibling would brag about another to their father.

Sarah (15) and Lindsey (22)

The oldest went off to college when Sarah was 11 and the middle when off to college when Sarah was still in middle school so Sarah was with me one on one since then. I stayed very involved in her life even though she didn't live with me. She and I went on many trips around California together. She spent many nights at my house. She stayed very close to her mom and sisters, but she and I had a special bond. Everyone that knows me knows I talk about Sarah a lot. They know about the other two daughters, but they hear more about Sarah and I doing things together. (here are the tears again) We even share tears together!

16th birthday

I once took all three girls to a movie and Sarah sat next to me. Sarah knows how much I cry in movies, even kid's movies, and during the movie she whispered to me, "Dad, quit crying." I wiped the tears from my eyes and whispered back, "How did you know I was crying in this dark theater?" She giggled and said, "Because I was crying too!" I guess that is when I knew Sarah and I had a special bond. During high school Sarah played volleyball and softball. She was very involved in the school leadership and was always a school elected official. She headed some important positions and even represented her school in Girl's State.

I tried to be there whenever I could. Most of the time she knew I was there, but sometimes she didn't. I wanted to know if she was the same when she didn't know I was around as she was when she knew I was around. She always makes me proud to say she is my daughter. She has been the center of my life for over 10 years and now she is moving away and won't be around so much. I won't desert her and she will always know that I love her and will be there when she needs me. But, she will know she is on her own and I won't be there to make decisions for her and won't know everything she does. She is a good kid and a very nice person. She has her faults, but can correct them when she needs to.

I know she will be successful in college and life. I will always wonder if I could have done something different to help her when she was younger ... but none of that matters or can be changed. Sarah is an individual and Sarah is GREAT! I will be there when she needs me, but only if she asks for my help. My prayers will always be with her and I look forward to see what she will do with her life. Sarah Phillips, I'm proud of you and love you very much!!