This is the very first thing I posted on this site.
But, since many people are reading this blog now that have never read the first one, since I started 3 years ago, I have re-posted it. Many parts of this are real stories and some of the situations are just for the sake of writing a book. My problem with getting started was how do I put all the short stories I had written over the years into one essay that flows together. I think I did pretty well. The ending is open so I can continue with it and some parts should be taken out ... but it is my attempt and it isn't published anywhere else. I hope you enjoy reading.
(FICTION) Full But ...
When I was in Korea I taught English as a Second Language (ESL). In addition to the language school I worked in, I also spent an hour a week in my daughter’s kindergarten. I enjoy teaching English because I know it is a valuable skill for people that are not native speakers. I have always been skeptical about teaching children that haven’t mastered their own language and try to learn a new language. Since I don’t speak Korean it is a little difficult to teach young children that don’t speak any English.
I taught through songs and poems. We used to do the Hokey Pokey to begin every session. We would sing “Put your right foot in, Put your right foot out, Put your right foot in, and Shake it all about!”. It would help reinforce the parts of the body and right and left without the students knowing they were learning. Then we would go through “what is your name”, “my name is ______”, and colors. We would then sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and they would teach me in Korean. I would always have a short puppet show for them, I don’t know if they understood the English, but they enjoyed the animation. We would sing Itsey Bitsey Spider and I would teach them the finger movements. We would then learn a little vocabulary and practice prepositions. We would end the session with Farmer in the Dale, which would reinforce farm animals (Do you know animals have different sounds in different countries?)
The school was across the street from the apartment house I lived in. I would always walk back, hand-in-hand with Jayne, my daughter. One beautiful Saturday morning after the class I was walking back with Jayne. Jayne didn’t speak any English, but she and I would try to have conversations, me speaking English and she speaking Korean. Neither of us could understand the other completely, but we were happy to just talk to each other. When we got to the apartment building Jayne’s eyes got big and she was frightened. She pointed to the doorway and shouted “Komi, Daddy, Komi”. I was concerned because she was so scared. I looked around and didn’t see anything for her to be scared about, but looking at her I knew it had to be something. So we stopped, and she hid behind my leg. She said it again, “Komi, Daddy, Komi”. I got so frustrated that I didn’t speak the same language that my own daughter did. I asked her “where”. She pointed and said “there, there”, pointing at the door frame. I put my arms around Jayne and picked her up. I hugged her and she said “Komi, you know, Komi” as she did the finger movements for Itsey Bitsey Spider. I finally understood. I put her down, went over to the door frame, and found the spider she had seen. I had a sheet of paper and got the spider on it, took it over to Jayne and let her see it. Then I let the spider scurry off. I realized then that it was time to take my family back to the States so my kids could learn English.
A few weeks later I was driving my family to my mother-in-law’s house on the other side of the city. As we were driving Jayne asked me, “Daddy, what does E L mean”? I told her I didn’t understand her question. She said it again, “Daddy, what does E L mean?” I had no idea what she was asking. She then pointed to a sign, she said “that sign says H. O. T. (the name of a Korean pop singing group) E L”. I looked at the sign and it was for a HOTEL. We all laughed, and it reinforced my plans to return to the U.S.
I looked at her and she was smiling. It was good when she smiled, and she did it so seldom these last few days. I couldn’t believe I was in China. What was I doing traveling half way around the world to see this woman? Those thoughts were in my mind, until I saw her smile, and then I knew. I knew how happy she made me and how happy she was that I was there. Seeing her smile made my heart warm as I looked around the room. My warm heart was in stark contrast to these cold surroundings. The stark white walls, the equipment next to the bed, the constant beeping of the monitors, the septic smells of medicine and cleaning fluids all made the hospital room seem “efficient”. I looked at her again, as the monitors she was hooked up to kept a steady rhythm.
Sunny asked, “Is that the real reason you decided to leave Korea? I always wonder because it seems your life there was ideal. I know your kids are important to you, but to leave a great job and good money and return to the U.S. where you had to start over with nothing never makes sense to me. “
I smiled. I never thought anyone would understand me, but this beautiful woman usually understood me more than anyone else has all my life. I could relax so easily with her. I could tell her half a sentence, and she would know the other half. It was that way from the first time we started talking.
“Yes, that is the real reason. I knew I couldn’t go for much longer without really knowing and understanding my own children, so I had to take them back home. So they knew where their home was.” I was happy to talk to her about my daughters.
She enjoyed hearing stories of them as much as I was happy to tell them. She loved kids and would make a great mother. I never understood this aspect of Sunny. This highly educated, driven woman really just wanted to be a mother. She had studied over 10 years in college and had gotten her doctorate in Economics; she had steadily advanced in her job and reached a position envied by her peers. Everything she had set out to do she had accomplished. But, the one thing that had eluded her was the one thing that was most important to her, having a family of her own. She often cried herself to sleep thinking about it. She had always promised herself that when she had reached the next goal in her education or occupation she would be able to pursue her real goal of having her own family. As the years stretched on, she got more and more disheartened.
“Do you really enjoy hearing my stories, or do you just say that to keep me talking while you rest? I hope I don’t bore you too much.”
She reached out and held my hand, “Scott, you know that having you here, just the fact that you came all this way, has done so much to pick up my spirits.” She looked at me with her dark eyes, melting my heart as I listened. “So much has happened to me lately, and I had so much despair, but when you said you were coming. I was excited and could put all my hopelessness aside. I enjoy hearing the stories of your life and your ups and downs. You are so entertaining; I don’t know where you come up with all these stories. I have to be here, it is the best way I can get my strength back. Having you here with me allows us to get to know each other better. Thank-you!” She squeezed my hand and then rolled over and closed her eyes and slept.
The room got quiet. The monitor was still beeping and the background noise of the hospital outside the room was there, but it was quiet, I had time to think. What was going on in my life that had brought me to this point in time? Who was this girl in the hospital bed next to me and why was she so important to me, so quickly? Was I crazy, or was I finally doing something for me, rather than others? At least I had a lot of time to think things out as she slept.
Two months ago I had been sitting home alone, with only my computer for company, as it has been for the past 9 years. Things were finally going good for me. I was making enough money to pay my bills and child support. I had a job I really enjoyed and felt that I was contributing to the lives of others. My kids were doing well in school, and kept in contact. Everything was good, but I felt my life was empty. I don’t know if others have that feeling; just not fulfilled. It is like when I lived in Korea and I realized that even though I ate their food, there was just something missing. I would often say my stomach was full, but it didn’t register in my brain, I needed something more. I realized I needed some American food once a week or so to feel “satisfied”. It finally hit me that was how many Asians feel when they don’t’ eat rice for a long time. When they always eat rice for a meal, then move to a western country and eat bread, they feel like something is missing. Just one bowl of rice a week helps them become satisfied.
My life was full, but it didn’t register in my brain, I needed something more. That is usually when I turned to my computer. Chat rooms were great. I could be whoever I wanted to be and say whatever I fantasized about, and no one knew the truth. So, I usually said mostly the truth because no one would believe me anyway. I was 53, but I knew no one wanted to talk to a 50 year old man, so I told everyone I was 35. Going on line was my way of making quick “friends”. That is how I had met Sunny. My lonely period was also her lonely period. Very different circumstances had brought us both to the same place in cyberspace.
shan: hi
Scott: hi
Scott: Where from?
shan: Beijing, you?
Scott: I’m from the San Francisco area, ever been here?
shan: not yet, but I will soon
Scott: Gonna visit me?
shan: If your lucky I’ll visit you sometime, between studying and classes. I’m going to be going to San Francisco University.
Scott: never heard of San Francisco University, do you mean San Francisco State University or University of San Francisco?
Scott: Hello, you there?
Shan: Sorry, I didn’t know, I’m looking. I guess San Francisco State University.
Scott: are you cute?
Shan: I’m just a normal Chinese girl. Nothing special.
Scott: Got a picture?
Shan: let me see if I can find one. See it now?
Scott: WOW!! Not normal, wow!!
Shan: not all that special.
Scott: Are you kidding me, is that really your picture or did you just send me a picture of a model?
Shan: Let me look, that’s me. You got a cam?
Scott: I do, do you?
Shan: can you see?
Scott: wow, that picture was you, you really are that pretty.
Shan: nothing special, your cam?
Scott: Let me turn it on, sorry.
Scott: HI
Shan: hehe
The conversation went on for 4 hours that night. It felt good to me. By the end of the conversation Sunny told me that I was her best friend. I felt a real closeness to her. We had laughed together, cried together, and then laughed some more. I had told her about being divorced; having three kids (I confessed to her that I was 53). I told her about my many jobs and my present occupation. She told me that she worked for the government tax office. She had a brother that lived with her parents far from Beijing. Her father had been an Army officer, like mine. I had asked her if that meant she had to move around every three years like I had when I was young, and she said she had moved a lot also. We felt a close kinship because of that.
The next day was another 4 to 5 hours, and the next. The biggest problem was the time difference. She slept early, at 10pm. Her time 10pm was my time 5am. She went to work and got on the computer at 5pm my time. So I ended up not sleeping until 3am for a week. We talked about everything, and found that most things we talked we felt similar about. I was smiling all the time now.
You may wonder what the fascination is of chatting on the computer. Many people go into the cyber arena thinking they’re going to find someone to “escape” with. Similar to drugs, everyone looks for a way to leave their real life for a while. For me it was different. In a chat room you may have a 23 year old man saying he is 33 and a 44 year old woman saying she is 22 and they can have fun flirting with each other and trying to seduce the other. For me it is a way to really find out about another person, hopefully the opposite sex. If I meet someone the first thing I notice is their looks and it goes from there. When I talk to someone on line I can learn more about them. I see their soul rather than their physical appearance. I can find out what they really think. Sometimes I can “feel” them rather than only hearing what they say. That is how it was with Sunny, after chatting for only a few minutes I could feel her emotions through what she said.
She woke up again. The nurse came in and spoke to her. I don’t know what they said, because it was in Chinese, and then the nurse left and brought back some food. While she was eating we spent time talking about her father and Army life in China. She asked me about my time in the Army. I told her that I entered the Army right after college. It was such a strange transition from studying elementary education and doing my student teaching in December, and in January being a Second Lieutenant in the Army When I first joined the Army as a Second Lieutenant I was a Missile Maintenance Officer. It was a fairly new type of specialty and not all the units in the Army had the equipment. I was sent to Germany to one of the units that was expecting the equipment at a later date, so I was “excess” to the unit I was assigned until the equipment arrived. As the “new guy on the block” they gave me all the assignments that no one else wanted. I was eager to learn more so I always looked forward to new experiences.
In the first few months I was given the assignment to take a helicopter ride out to the units in the field every day. I was to bring spare parts that needed to be expedited when important equipment broke. The rationale of sending an officer to deliver repair parts was because if my unit thought it was important enough to send an officer then the helicopter unit was going to think it was important enough to not cancel the mission. I was looking forward to flying in helicopters every day.
The first couple of days were fun and uneventful. On the third day the helicopter came to pick me up and it was a small “two seater” rather than the usual larger ones. I jumped in and introduced myself. I had a box of parts that needed to be taken to the field and off we went. In addition to the helicopter being small it was a cold windy day. After about an hour my stomach was really starting to churn. I asked the pilot what I should do if I had to throw-up. Without looking at me he reached over and took off my hat, putting it under my chin. He coldly said, “Don’t mess up my bird”. I was stunned and didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if he was serious. I looked at his face and realized he was deadly serious. I looked around and realized how hard it would be to clean out the inside of the helicopter. I “sucked it up” and tried not to get sick to my stomach. When I realized I couldn’t hold it in, I told the pilot that I had to land for a minute. He found a field that we could land, and he landed the helicopter. I got out quickly and went over to a tree, to throw-up. As I was walking/running I realized a large group of children were running out of the neighboring village to see why the AMERICAN HELICOPTER was landing. As they reached us I was hunched over “tossing my cookies” on the ground. I stood up, and ran back to the helicopter and we flew away. I always chuckle at the thought that it was probably the only experience some of those children ever had meeting an American, and thinking of what they said to their families when they went home.
A few days later, when went back to the larger helicopters, I started to enjoy the trips again. I enjoyed the view of the Bavarian countryside. There were many large castles that we flew over. As we flew over one, we noticed the backyard looked like a chessboard. We had seen many tennis courts and some swimming pools, but this was something new. We circled around and noticed some people standing around the “board”. On each side of the chessboard was a high chair like a judge for a tennis match, with someone in each one. As we looked closer we noticed there were people on the chessboard, dressed like chess pieces. We circled overheard for about 15 minutes, watching as they played a live chess game. We were hoping that when the pieces took the opponent’s there would be some swordplay, but that never happened. They just walked off the field.
Those two weeks of flying were enough to last me the three years I was in Germany. I got my fill of adventure from the sky and have many good memories of that time.
“Scott, your stories always make me laugh. I am so glad you could come visit me while I am in the hospital. I’m sorry you could not come to China when I could better entertain you. “She reached up both arms and hugged me. “I really wonder about your family and your life as you were growing up. Do you have any stories about that?”
I think the most relevant thing that happened to my family was when I was six. My family lived in Germany because my dad was stationed there. My parents and the five of us kids were going to the fireworks across the street. We lived in a large apartment area and many families were heading over to the large field across the street to watch the fireworks together. Mark and Betsy walked together, I was with Sue, the oldest, and mom and dad had Eric, the youngest. I was excited about the fireworks and all the people. I broke away from Sue and ran across the street. Mark and Betsy walked behind me, and Sue tried to run after me, but I was not to be held back. My mom yelled at me and demanded I come back to her, and walk across the street instead of run. I was always a very obedient boy. I ran back across the street and on my way back to my mom a car slammed into me. I was later told that I flew into the air 50 feet and came down on my head. The neighborhood went into a frenzy. The car stopped and the German that was driving it got out. He was upset that I broke his headlight and was looking for my parents. When the neighbors heard he even thought about that, with me still bleeding on the street. The driver was firmly escorted back to his car to wait for the police to come. The Military Police arrived on motorcycle. There was so much confusion they didn’t stop fast enough and accidentally ran over my ankles. The ambulance arrived and they rushed me to the hospital. I was in a coma for a week. During that time the doctors determined I was probably not going to survive. The priest came in and gave me last rights. They measured me for a casket. I was hooked up to monitors and constantly checked to make sure I was still breathing. My first memory of the event was opening my eyes and a nurse was in the room. As I looked over at her she screamed and ran out of the room. I always remember that event, it was really strange to me, why did she scream and run out. Within minutes many doctors and nurses were in the room, checking me, checking the monitors, laughing, crying, and mayhem. I quickly recovered and was out of the hospital within a week.
For most of my life I thought the story ended there. I had some minor surgery on my eye later, I had some problems all my life with equilibrium, and I was told to be careful about ever getting drunk because of the concussion I had. I thought I had made a big mistake in my life and I had paid for it. When I was older I started to examine how this one episode affected everyone in the family. I called my mom and asked her what she remembered about this dramatic even in my life. She started to cry. She just said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!!” I didn’t understand. I started crying too, and didn’t even know why. I asked my mom why she was crying and apologizing. She said she has always blamed herself for my accident. If she hadn’t demanded I come back and walk across again I would never have gotten hit. I had to think that over. I had never imagined it was anyone else’s fault. I was the one that ran across the street, I was the one that didn’t look, I was the one that ran in front of the car. How could my mom even imagine it was her fault? It shook my world to think that all these years no one had ever expressed that they thought they were to blame for my tragedy.
After my conversation with my mom I called Sue, my oldest sister. I asked her what she could remember about that time in my life when I got hit by a car. Sue started yelling at me. She wanted to know why I was bringing up this event now. Why did I still blame her for this even that almost took my life!! She wanted to know why I never forgave her and asked me what else she could do to get my forgiveness. I could say nothing. I didn’t even understand what she was talking about. When I mentioned this, she started to cry. She apologized for not holding my hand tighter and allowing me to run across the street. She had me crying again, with her, listening to her reasoning why she was to blame for my accident. She was sure the accident would never have happened if she had done her “big sister duty” of taking care of me. She then surprised me with telling me that the rest of my childhood I was watched like a hawk. I was always given special treatment by the rest of the family because they all had guilt about what had happened to me. She asked my forgiveness and I was crying and said that I was sorry to have allowed them to feel guilty all this time. I promised her that I had never blamed anyone except myself, not even the stupid driver that wanted my parents to pay for the headlight broken with my head.
I later contacted Mark and Betsy about this same episode and they had similar feelings about their responsibility to take care of their little brother. I wonder how many times in our lives we think only we are affected by an action, and then find it affects many people we didn’t even consider.
I looked at Sunny and she had tears coming down her face. I wiped them off with my finger and wrapped my arms around that wonderful woman. I started to cry with her. I am always touched by my “Chinese doll” being so sensitive. It is one reason why I was in Beijing with her, we both could “feel” each other from thousands of miles away, and we needed to be together while she was recovering.
I held her in my arms and gently rocked her. She was burning up and I knew she needed to rest and sleep more. When I thought she was finally asleep I laid her head on the pillow and started to leave. Sunny whispered something and held out her hand. I walked over, and bent down and kissed her. She put her hand on my face and asked me to tell her another story while she fell asleep. But, she wanted a funny one, not one that made her sad.
When I was in Korea teaching ESL I had a variety of jobs including teaching in a language school, teaching in a kindergarten, and tutoring small groups of children. One of the small groups I tutored consisted of 4 middle school boys. Three were in 7th grade and one was in 8th. The 8th grade boy was very dominant and bossed the other three around all the time. Sometimes they got so rowdy, as middle school boys do, that the mother of the house we studied in brought me a ruler and told me to “hit them”. That really got the boys quiet.
One Saturday night when I was there we started talking about science. I told them it was impossible to break a raw egg with your bare hands if you put the egg in the palms of your hands and squeezed your hands together. They didn’t believe me, so the mother brought an egg and they all tried. They were amazed that they couldn’t break an egg with their hands. The older boy tried so much that he hurt his hands, he was determined to show the others he could do what they couldn’t, but he failed to break the egg.
Then I jokingly said that you also couldn’t break an egg by placing it in the palm of your hand and smashing it on your forehead. Before I could laugh and tell them I was joking, the older boy smashed the egg on his forehead. We were all surprised that he had actually done it. Not that he had shown us it was possible, but that he had actually tried. The look on that 8th grade boy’s face, a big smile with the egg dripping onto the floor, was one of triumph. The other boys were laughing so hard that I thought they would wet their pants. I tried to be sympathetic, but I completely lost my composure and had to laugh. He thought he had shown us that it was possible to do the impossible. I tried to make him understand that I was joking, but he didn’t believe that I was, he thought he had done something I had thought was impossible. I told him that if it had been impossible he would have a huge knot on his head the size of an egg rather than egg sliding down his face. The other boys didn’t care; he just looked so silly with egg on his face.
Sunny was sleeping, quietly breathing. I pulled the sheet over her shoulder and kissed her cheek. She had always told me that one reason she enjoyed to chat with me on the computer was I was always there. She liked to have a friend that was with her 24 hours a day. I liked that situation too. When I wasn’t working I like to be with my friend/ significant other all the time. To me it is just more comfortable. Of course alone time is important, but that can be worked out. I know in China someone can stay in the room with the patient all the time, but I am not comfortable with that and I knew I needed to leave. Since I was staying at Sunny’s apartment I was in no need to hurry back. It was uncomfortable to be there alone and I really felt I was invading her world. I left the hospital and walked down the street. I could take a taxi back to the apartment, but I would rather walk. It was an hour walk, but it was so interesting to see this strange and exciting city. I thought about all the history that must have taken place in this old old city. I got a lot of stares for everyone, this tall white guy walking alone in this part of the city. It wasn’t new to me, I had lived in Seoul for 8 years and was used to the attention. I thought about the first time I had ever met someone from the internet.
Jean and I had been chatting since I was in Korea. At that time I had been married and needed to talk to someone about the problems I was having. The internet was the perfect place since I could talk to someone that didn’t know me and couldn’t talk to my wife or anyone she knew. Jean lived in Redding, California. I really didn’t even know where that was, and that was not a problem for me. This was all internet fun and I had no inclination for it to move from cyberspace to reality. Jean worked for PG&E and was a secretary. She had a lot of time to chat since she was at her work computer all day and wasn’t kept busy. The school I was teaching at was located above a cyber-café, and when I had 1 or 2 hours between classes I would go down there and chat with Jean. We talked about many things; my kids and her parents, when I had a fight with my wife, when she broke up with her boyfriend, we talked about my job and future plans, and even about sex. She sent me a picture and she was very very pretty. She had blonde hair and big blue eyes and a great smile. I sent her one of me in my business suit and she thought I was good looking. I told her about the many times I got kicked out of my house and slept in my car. I told her about how I felt that I was losing touch with my kids because they didn’t speak English and I didn’t speak Korean. She said I should take Korean classes and I told her I was, but I couldn’t catch fast and I was frustrated. Since my job was to teach English all my students wanted to speak English with me and not Korean. I even told her about the evening when I was physically attacked by my wife and had scratches up and down my arms. How the blood was literally dripping down my arms, over my hands and onto the floor. How that night my wife told me she could do whatever she wanted with the kids and threatened to throw them out of our 9th story window. When she went to get one of the kids to show me she wasn’t kidding, I left. I hated that night. I will never forget it. People ask me why I didn’t call the police and I remember thinking how lost I felt in Korea. How I figured they would blame me, since the man is always the reason for domestic violence and everyone that knows my wife believes the façade about her being sweet and nice to everyone. Jean knew everything about me and how I felt. She knew how sensitive I was to everything and laughed at how I often cried at movies. She and I lost contact after a while and I didn’t really think about her for a couple of years until I was back in California and divorced. I researched her email address and emailed her and asked if she wanted to meet me. She emailed me back within minutes that she would love to meet me. She said that she had fallen in love with me when we chatted and that love had never gone away. She was excited about the chance to me such a wonderful man.
I realized she lived very close to my younger brother Eric. He lived in a special home near Redding where he worked in their workshop and for the city cleaning parks. Eric was mentally retarded and had lived in special schools since he was 10. I decided I would go visit Eric and it would give me an excuse to see Jean also. I told Jean I would drive up there after work on Friday and since it was a 4 hour drive I would be there around 8. We planned a late dinner and would talk about our plans then. I left work early that day and checked into a motel between Redding and the town Eric lived around 6. I called Jean and she was as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. She told me the restaurant we were to meet at and told me she would meet me there at exactly 7pm. I was excited to meet this woman. I knew I would bring her back to the motel room so I put candles out and found a classical music station on the radio to turn on when we got back. I dressed nicely and drove to the restaurant. When I got there it was a rustic log cabin building at the side of the road. It seemed nice and I went in, looking for a single blonde with big blue eyes. There were only a few people in the restaurant and I didn’t see any single women. I let them take me to a table and I ordered a Coke to wait for her. When I noticed it was 8 I went ahead and ordered a steak and ate alone. I was so sad and upset on my lonely drive back to the motel. While I was driving I noticed a car behind me. We were the only two cars on the road and I slowed down for it to pass, and it slowed down and stayed behind me. When I took the left turn off the road to go to my motel I noticed that car had kept driving a few minutes after I turned then made a U-turn. I thought to myself that it was probably Jean and she would just come to my room. I realized she was probably a little shy and didn’t want others to see her with a stranger, since it was a small town and everyone knew everyone. I was smiling as I walked into my room and lit the candles and turned on the radio station. I sat on my bed and watched TV while I was waiting. The phone rang. I was startled and didn’t know who it would be. I picked up the phone and it was Jean. She told me she followed me to my motel and wanted to meet me. I said that I was okay with that and she could come over to my room. She said no, she needed to talk to me first. She wasn’t sure I would be happy when I met her. I asked her if she was married, and she said no, that wasn’t the problem. It was 9:30 at that time and we agreed to meet at the restaurant I had just been to. She promised she would be there and I told her I would be there in 10 minutes. I blew out the candles and turned off the music and drove to the restaurant. There was a small car parked in the restaurant and I drove over next to it. I stopped and the door in the car opened and someone got out. I thought the car must have been really old and small when I saw it sway from side to side as the occupant got out.
Jean walked over to my mini-van and I got out and said hello. I realized at that moment that the picture she had sent to me was only of her face. It was really her picture, her face was beautiful. But, the part left out of the picture was not so appealing. Jean had told me she was 5’1 and 103 pounds. In fact she was 5’1”, but she was 303 pounds. At that moment is when I realized my definition of fat; if my arms don’t fit around the woman she is fat! And, Jean was fat. She apologized for not telling me that she was a little overweight and that is the reason she didn’t meet me for dinner. I asked her if she thought I wouldn’t notice when we met, she explained that when we first started to chat I was in Korea and she didn’t think we would ever meet. She knew I would never meet her if I had known the truth about her weight and that is why she had stopped chatting with me. When I called after so many years she couldn’t say she didn’t want to meet me, and didn’t want to take the chance I wouldn’t want to meet if I knew the truth about her weight problem.
So now, she waited for my response. My mind was racing on what was the “right” thing to do. After talking to her for so long, I knew what she wanted to happen right now, I knew that she wanted me to kiss her and ask her to come back to my room with me. But, I wasn’t really interested in that for many reasons. The first reason being I was not attracted to this woman and the second reason was the deception she had laid out for me. I hugged her again, my hands not being able to touch each other behind her and said I was fine with meeting her. It was nice to meet the friend that helped me get through my emotional problems in Korea. I thanked her for the help she had given me at that time in my life. We talked about plans for the weekend. I told her that I had to visit my brother in the morning and I wanted to meet her in the afternoon. She smiled a huge grin and told me she was happy I wanted to see her again. She was so scared that I wouldn’t see her after knowing the truth. She wanted to be my tour guide and show me the beautiful area she lived in. I felt good about how I made her feel.
On Saturday I drove to Eric’s residence and spent a couple of hours with him. I talked with the staff at the residence and made sure he was being well taken care of and left around noon.
I met Jean at 1 in Redding. She wanted to meet at my motel, but I told her it would be better to meet back at the restaurant because I was hungry. We got some sandwiches to go and drove up to the dam. I love learning about new areas and she showed me around the dam and the lake. It was a great day. We saw things only the locals would know about and I learned a lot about the local history of the Redding area and Mount Shasta. I was happy about having a tour guide and we held hands while walking and driving. It felt weird to me that I have big hands but my hand wouldn’t fit around her hand and I ended up holding 2 of her fingers instead of her hand. She was BIG! I was polite all day and enjoyed our friendship. She again asked if she could come back to my room that night and I said I was really tired and had a long drive the next day and needed the sleep. She said she understood and I kissed her good-bye.
After I got home, Jean and I started chatting again on a daily basis, but I didn’t feel a connection to her. I realized that I wasn’t attracted to her and didn’t really want to chat often. She was the opposite way and was more attracted to me and wanted to come visit me. I was polite and always found a reason to decline. She eventually found another guy that she connected well to and after a few months we stopped chatting.
As I walked into Sunny’s apartment I looked around. I smiled seeing the desk that she always used when we chatted over the months. Her computer was there and the camera she always liked to turn on while talking to me. I use a laptop to chat and would sometimes sit in my big orange chair in the living room, sometimes bring it in the kitchen as I was cooking so she could watch, and sometimes brought the computer into my bed where I would leave it on as I slept. She was always there for me to talk to, as I was always there for her. I had always seen the wall behind her when she was sitting at the desk, and the hallway she would walk down when she had to go to get something or to the bathroom. I felt like I was at home at her house, I had seen it so many times. This place was my home, I felt. Sunny had made me feel so comfortable, I wasn’t sure if I felt she was my sister, girlfriend, or even mother. She was whatever I needed at the time. I truly understood what a soul mate was. I knew I would always have these feelings about her, no matter if she had another man in her life or not. Her soul and mine were connected. It felt weird, but a good weird.
I took a shower and got into bed, her bed. I remember all the times I had fantasized about being in this bed. I thought Sunny was the sexiest woman I had ever seen. I knew I wanted to share her bed and kiss and cuddle with her for hours. I knew I wanted to sleep with this beautiful kind woman and hold her while she slept. I wanted to wake her up at 3 am just to make love to her. I wanted to make her happy, because she made me happy. Here I was, in her bed, her smell still in the pillows. Her cute knick knacks on the dresser and walls reminded me of her. I was lonely without her in the bed with me, but I was happy to be here.
A tear ran down my cheek. I thought about how seriously she was sick. I wish I knew more about her prognosis and wanted her better soon. I wish I could talk to the doctors about what was really wrong with her, not just what she wanted me to know. I knew there was more to it than she was telling me. She asked me to come to visit her while she was in the hospital. I couldn’t really afford it, and she knew it. But, still she asked me to come. I loved her so much that I couldn’t refuse. When I got to the airport her “big cousin” had picked me up. I always laughed at her for calling her oldest cousin her “big cousin” and when we meet I really laughed. Her “big cousin” wasn’t big at all. She was petite and beautiful. She was a knock out that was very kind and understanding. She took me to the apartment and helped me get settled and then took me immediately to the hospital to see Sunny.
As I dozed off to sleep in that wonderful bed I thought about the first time I had taken a flight to meet someone from the internet. After getting kicked out the third time in a week during the week between Christmas and New Year I moved into my office. I worked in a training center that had 9 training rooms. Each room had a closet only I had keys for and most were empty, so I hung my clothes in there and put my belongings in other closets. I had a bedroll that I slept in that fit nicely behind the door in my office during the day and everyone just thought I worked long hours. The cleaning team wouldn’t leave until 3am and the caterer came in around 6am, so I had only 3 hours of sleep a night. I had nothing to do so I chatted a lot after work. The cleaning team thought I worked a lot and they were very courteous and kind. The security guard was impressed that I put in long hours and always was helpful. I was so thankful at that time for all the support, even though the people around me didn’t know what was really going on. I cut my hair very short so it wasn’t messy when I woke up, I had to get up by 5:30 so I could shave and wash up before people got to work. At 10, when everyone was in class and it was quiet I would go to the gym and get some exercise and shower. It was a hard time in my life, but I had to do what I had to do because it was what was best for my kids. They have always been the priority of my life, and I knew their mom would take good care of them if I wasn’t around and direct her anger at me rather than them. I would work at the training center until 5, then go to teach at the Adult School from 6:30 to 9:30 four nights a week. Then I would return to the office and everyone in the building would encourage me to not come to work so late. They would see me at my computer until after they left at 3am. They didn’t see that when they closed the doors and locked the rest of the rooms I would turn off the light in my office and take out my bedroll and sleep. I would have my alarm set at 5:30 and get up and clean up before the caterer came in with breakfast for the students. When the caterer came in I would be at my desk and at the computer. They were impressed with my hard work. I was so happy they couldn’t see what I was doing; they couldn’t see that I was chatting with people. There was never that much work to do; I just needed someplace to go. So, I went to my work computer and chatted a lot.
Sherri was 24. She was a nurse in Cleveland. I knew nothing about Cleveland, only that it was in Ohio and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was there. We talked often. She lived alone and we chatted every night. She sent me a picture and she was beautiful. Not just her face, but she had a great body. She sent me several pictures of her, and each was prettier than the last. Sherri was very sexual, and enjoyed talking to me about what would happen if we ever met. We often talked about her meeting me in the airport and doing it in the car before we left the parking lot. We talked about each other’s work and how she enjoyed her job, but hated coming home to an empty house. I told her at least she was lucky that she had a house. I asked if she had any idea what it felt like to have a family living together in your house, but you living in your office. I was very depressed all the time. The highlight of my day would be teaching. But, Sherri was a constant in my life. She was always there to chat with me. I called her sometimes. She changed her phone number and didn’t want to give me her number because she was being followed and didn’t want to give the number to anyone. She was afraid that her messenger was being intercepted and didn’t want to give me her number over the messenger. She told me she was afraid they were following me also. I started getting worried about her and asked her if I could come visit her. We had been talking for about a year by then and I had moved out of my office into a small house. She was happy that I would make the offer. She told me she would think about it and then let me know. The next day she was happy that I would come and we started to make plans. I flew to Cleveland in February. It had been a long time since I had been in such cold weather. I still didn’t have Sherri’s phone number, but talked to her often on line. I talked to her online right before I left for the airport and let her know when my flight was to arrive. She told me she was excited about me coming and would be there to pick me up! I got off the plane and looked for Sherri. She wasn’t there so I got my bags and waited. After I had been waiting for 20 minutes Sherri called me and told me she had been in a car accident. She was ok, but didn’t know when she could get to the airport. She asked me to go to a motel and call her when I knew what motel I was in. She gave me her cell phone number and apologized. It was Friday afternoon, and I had a return flight on Sunday, I was in Cleveland to meet Sherri and she was in an accident and would be there soon, so why did she suggest I check into a motel? I got a taxi to take me to the closest town, checked into a motel, and called Sherri. She didn’t answer her phone so I left a message. In about 2 hours she called me and said her sister Linda would come get me and gave me her number. I called Linda and she said she was on her way and would be there in about an hour and a half. She asked if I had eaten dinner and I said no, so she suggested I eat before she comes. I thought that was a little weird the way she said it. I said ok and hung up. I realized I had made a huge mistake coming to Cleveland. Over the next 2 days I had many conversations on the phone with Sherri and Linda and they kept telling me they were on their way. When I was at the airport on Sunday, getting ready to board the airplane Sherri called and said she was parking at the airport and hoped I would wait for her. I told her I would wait, as I boarded the plane. On my flight back to California I replayed all my dealings with Sherri in my head. I couldn’t believe how gullible I had been. Over the next 5 years Sherri would chat with me and I kept trying to get rid of her. She was like an infection that wouldn’t go away.
Between the experiences with Jean and Sherri I wasn’t sure internet relationships shouldn’t stay on the internet.
The next morning I was at the hospital early. I looked in on Sunny and she was sleeping restlessly. I wanted to find out what was wrong with Sunny and why she was in the hospital and not at home. It was frustrating to me because I couldn’t find anyone that spoke English. Well, the fact is I knew they could speak English because many of the medical text books they use are in English, I knew the real reason they wouldn’t speak to me in English was they didn’t have confidence in their speaking ability. I kept asking nurses and doctors if they spoke English, and if they could explain to me what was going on with Jang Suan, Sunny’s Chinese name. I finally found a young doctor that would take the time and talk to me. I told him how much I appreciated his time and asked if he could tell me what was going on with Jang Suan. He looked at her chant, and talked to some of the nurses that I saw going in and out of the room, then brought me into a break room with some tables and chairs and a coffee pot. We got some coffee and sat down. He told me that the original prognosis was pneumonia. She had allowed herself to become so run down somehow and lost a lot of sleep and the pneumonia had occurred. When she came into the hospital they immediately admitted her and started antibiotics. The problem was she had not come in soon enough. They gave her antibiotics, but they didn’t seem to be working well. He was worried that ARDS was now the problem. I asked him what ARDS was and he wasn’t sure of the English. So, he left the room and came back soon with a medical book. He showed me the page that talked about Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. I read more about it. It sounded a lot like pneumonia and dealt with a buildup of fluid in the lung. The worst part was that about a third of people with ARDS die from the disease. Survivors usually get back normal lung function, but many people have permanent lung disease. I’m not sure I wanted to read this. I would rather be kept in the dark that this might kill the girl that has become my best friend so quickly. I was filled with different emotions, from anger, to sadness, to frustration, and immense sorrow.
I looked up from the book and looked at the doctor. I had tears in my eyes and the kind man understood my thoughts. He put his hand on my arm and told me that Jang Suan only knows about the pneumonia. She might become more depressed if she knew more. He told me that I was the best medicine for her. Ever since I had arrived she had responded better to treatment. Her spirits were up and she was excited about getting out of the hospital. Before I came she had given up, she was so depressed that the hospital thought she wasn’t going to make it. He asked me to help her recover. He asked me not to talk to her about the ARDS and only talk about the pneumonia. I agreed and thanked him for his honesty with me.
I went into Sunny’s room. The blind was closed and the room was dark. I heard sobbing when I entered. I looked at her in the dim light and saw her face light up and her wiping tears off her face with the back of her hands. She let out a little giggle and held up her arms for me to come hug her. We hugged, she was a little frantic. She held me tight and it felt good, but I didn’t understand what she was crying about. Had she heard about the ARDS? I looked at her, and kissed her tears, tasting the saltiness. I leaned back, my arms still around her and asked why she was crying. She burst out in tears again and between her sobbing I heard her say she thought I had left. I didn’t understand. Sunny hugged me tighter and whispered in my ear that she thought I went back to America. I hugged her and told her I wouldn’t leave until she said it was okay, I promised. She started giggling and laughing. She leaned back and told me that I made her very happy, and then leaned in and kissed my nose. I smiled too.
Sunny told me that when she had woken up she looked for me, where I was when she went to sleep. When she didn’t see me she asked the nurse if she had seen me. The nurse told her that I was there earlier, and had left. Sunny thought that had meant that I had left the hospital and gone back to the USA. She took my hand and asked me to stay with her during the time she was in the hospital. I told her I would stay as long as I could, but I had to get back to my job sometime. A single tear dropped down her cheek, and she said she knew that. My heart melted and I told her I would see what I could do. She smiled.
She looked at me with that mischievous grin and said she was ready for another story. I smiled and asked her if I was a storyteller. She said, “Yes, you are my own personal storyteller.” I smiled and said, “You are my own personal princess.”, and bent down and kissed her.
The single tear dropping down her face reminded me of a time in Korea when my kids got their ears pierced. Lindsey was in first grade in a Korean school. She fit in fairly good, used the name Chung, Lin Chee, using her mom’s maiden name, and she spoke and wrote Korean just like her classmates. Everyone knew she was American and half Korean, but she didn’t get much harassment. Lindsey had been in Korea since she was 3 and gone through Korean preschool and kindergarten. We lived in the neighborhood so many of the kids knew her. Some of the boys gave her a hard time but Lindsey has a strong character and could give it out as much as she took it. As the oldest daughter she had always wanted to run everything. She never took “no” and always found a way to get what she wanted. One day when she was two her mother was really angry at her and said, “Lindsey, get your butt over here.” Lindsey wasn’t to be forced to do anything, so she turned her back to her mom, stuck out her butt, and walked backwards to her mom. It was hard not to burst out laughing at her.
When Lindsey was in first grade she was just like all the other girls in her class. She did well in school and blended in. One day she came home and said to me that she was American and wanted to show everyone that she would proud of it. I knew something was on her mind, so I asked her what she would like to do. She told me that none of the Korean girls were allowed to get their ears pierced so she wanted to. I thought this was a way for her to abuse the system so I told her no. Of course, being Lindsey and not taking “no” she went to her mother. Her mother agreed that it was ok. So, off we went as a family, the four of us. Their mom, Jayne, Lindsey, and I walked to the beauty salon where she would get her ears pierced. On the way Lindsey was speaking with Jayne in Korean. I didn’t know what they were talking about, but I knew it was another one of Lindsey’s plots. When we got to the beauty salon Lindsey was all smiles and told me Jayne wanted to get her ears pierced too. My eyes got big and I asked Jayne if this was true. Jayne said something in Korean and her mom said Jayne agreed. I asked her mom to take Jayne to the side and make sure she wanted to do this. After some discussion, Jayne said she really wanted to do this, like Lindsey. We went into the salon and the two girls sat on the big chairs with their mom behind them to supervise. I realized Jayne was doing this first, and I saw the beautician take the piercing gun and clamp down on Jayne’s ear. It was done in a few minutes and I looked at Jayne’s face in the mirror. You could see one tear drop down Jayne’s face. No crying, just that one tear. Lindsey immediately got out of her chair and started out the door. I quickly got up and reached over and grabbed her shoulder. I asked her where she was going. Lindsey told me that if it hurt Jayne that much, she didn’t want to get her ear pierced. I said that I didn’t agree with her, and told her that she had to get it done. She was upset about it, but agreed that it was the right thing to do. We walked home that day with both the girls having their ears pierced. Lindsey eventually got a total of 7 piercings in her ears.
I looked down at Sunny and she was just looking at me and smiling. I hold her hand and just sit next to her bed. I wonder how I got her, why am I here, what is my relationship with this beautiful woman. I thought back to that first week we talked. She would always sit in front of her computer, talking to me. Sometimes I was in my orange chair in my living room, sometimes I was in bed before I slept, Sometimes I was in my office. She always smiled and it made me smile. I was surprised with how fast we were “one”. I smiled all the time we talked, then I smiled the rest of the day, until we could talk again. I learned everything about her, and told her everything about me. I felt so close to her until she told me about John. She had always told me I was her best friend, and I was hoping for more, until I heard about John.
When she first mentioned John she told me he was her future boyfriend. That was fine with me, because future boyfriend meant not present boyfriend. Then I heard more about this guy who she had known for a year and had treated her like no man before in her life. She talked a little about him and then we talked more about her coming to San Francisco. She asked me if she had problems if I would be there to help her. I was a little confused, because John was her future boyfriend, but I didn’t say anything. I decided she probably anticipated problems with John and needed to know she had a friend she could rely on. I let her keep talking. She talked about how she wanted me to show her the things in California. She wanted to see Yosemite, Lake Tahoe, and my hometown which is Monterey. She asked me what the weather would be like in San Francisco. My mind wandered and I was wondering who John was and what their relationship was.
Sunny squeezed my hand and told me she really wanted to know more about my children. She always wanted children and wanted to know how it was when my kids were born. I told her about my first daughter. Lindsey was born in November 1988. I can remember driving home from the hospital late that night and thinking it was “over”, that is when it had first dawned on me that it had “just begun”. I realized that the nine months before the birth were just the warm up to the challenges ahead. It had started in Ft. Bliss, TX when I was in the army. Bo had gotten pregnant and we decided to get out of the Army. So I did. The baby inside her was a big part of our lives in the next few months. It seemed like all decisions we made had the baby in mind. We had bought a mini-van because we were starting a family. We rented an apartment with 3 bedrooms because we knew we would grow into it. Over the months we thought of names and got baby stuff. At the same time I was looking for work as a teacher and taking classes to keep my credential. Lindsey was named after Lindsey Wagner. Bo always watched the Bionic Woman on TV. Her middle name is Kyong, which is Bo’s middle name.
On Halloween night of 1988 we went to the movies. We had always enjoyed going to the “dollar movies”. That night we went to see ELVIRA. During the movie Bo grabbed my arm and said she felt a pain. We were both happy the baby was finally coming. We hurried home and packed the bag like we were told to. We then rushed to the hospital to have a baby. We were disappointed when we were told to go home and wait for Bo to be more ready. We were told what to look for and when to come back to the hospital. We were going to be parents, and we wanted it to hurry up. That night was not fun. It seemed like every ten or twenty minutes Bo would scream loudly and pound the pillow. The next morning we planned to go to the hospital again. The pain was getting really intense for her so we went to the hospital, and they were encouraging but said it wasn’t time yet. They suggested she walk a lot and exercise. We asked them about eating and they said eat as normal because Bo needed her strength. We went home. It was now Tuesday, November 1. I didn’t go to work. We stayed around the house, watching Bionic Woman 3 times on that day. The contractions were inconsistent and they were really hard on her. That night came and we went through another sleepless night. I was very concerned that this didn’t seem right. My mom and sister were in constant contact with us. They started to wonder if they were real contractions or false labor. Bo thought they were crazy. She said if this kind of pain was false labor then she sure didn’t’ want the baby. We went to the hospital in the morning (good thing the hospital was only five minutes away) and the nurses examined her and hooked her up to a monitor and then came back with the news that we would have to go home again. Wednesday was a hard day; the poor couch got a work out from all the pounding it got. We walked around the block many times. Betsy, my sister, came over and walked with us some. Lindsey Wagner was on TV a lot. But Lindsey Phillips never came into the world that day. That night we were both exhausted. This had gone on too long. We were both at each other’s throats. Bo decided she didn’t want the baby. We got some catnaps between the contractions. On Thursday morning we went to the hospital again. We KNEW it must be time for the baby. We had some kind words from the nurses, but were sent home. That morning we hung around the hospital. We went to the gift shop and looked around. I was in a different part of the shop when I heard my wife laughing with another woman. I walked over and introduced myself and asked what was so funny. Bo told me the other lady thought she was only three months pregnant instead of 9 months. For lunch that day we went to Round Table and had pizza then we went home. Betsy came over again and we did some walking. We went to the hospital 3 times that day, hoping it was time for the baby to come out. Around 7 we went again. I figured we would be sent home again, but we weren’t. They hooked her up to the monitors and she was like that for two hours. I stayed in the room with her and when the baby finally came I held her hand. Bo had long nails and she had dug them into my skin, she said it was to pay me back for the pain I had caused her. Finally Lindsey was born and I started the tradition for my family to cut the cord. I looked at it as symbolic of accepting dual responsibility for the child.
After all this anguish I was happy to drive home. It was over…. Or had it just begun!
Sunny smiled, she told me she loved my stories and didn’t know what the boring hospital would be like without me there. I asked her a question I had always wondered. I asked her why she had asked me to come to China to be with her instead of John. She turned her back to me and told me she was tired and needed to sleep.
I walked out of the room, and was a little sad, and disheartened. I knew she was sick, and John was always a subject she didn’t want to talk about, but I needed to know, so I knew where I stood in her life. She had always said I was her best friend, but I didn’t know what that really meant. I did know that she needed me. Even in China she didn’t have anyone that understood her. Her friends didn’t understand why she would go to San Francisco to study for a Masters in Economics, when she had a PhD in Economics already. Her parents didn’t understand why she wanted to date an American, and then go to the USA to be with him. Her coworkers couldn’t understand why she would give up the high position she had in the government and the promotion that was promised to her if she stayed. I understood. I understood that her life had hit a plateau and she had reached all her goals that she had set, and needed to expand her horizons. Sunny had often talked about how much she loved China, and really believed in what the country was doing for the people. She enjoyed living there and had a great life. Something was missing in her life. When she met John she realized something was missing. She realized that her life was being limited and she no idea how to change it. John was a way for her to shake up her mundane life. He offered to pay for her to come study in San Francisco. He wanted her to come and spend time with him. Even though his company was headquartered in Southern California he lived and worked in Folsom. He was hoping she would go to Cal State Sacramento, but she decided to go to San Francisco State so she could study and get to know more about herself. That is why she needed me as a best friend, someone she could always rely on to help her. I knew the relationship I wanted, but I respected her needing me as a friend.
I went back into her room and she was crying. She saw me and a big smile came on her face and she held up her arms. I hugged her with all my might. I whispered into her ear that I will always be there when she needs me. She kissed my cheek and asked me why I was so good to her. I said I didn’t know, but something about her had touched my heart.
Sunny looked at me with dark serious eyes, she said to me, “Scott, I am worried. I have been in the hospital now for over 3 weeks and they keep telling me the same thing. They tell me I wore myself down so much that I need to recuperate. I don’t trust that they are telling me everything. I came in and they told me I had pneumonia and it would take a week of rest. You know, I don’t have anyone living with me, so I agreed to stay here. But, it has been too long now for only pneumonia. Have they told you anything else?”
I was in a dilemma now, I didn’t know whether to tell her what I knew, or to follow the doctor’s direction and not tell her everything I knew. I said to her, “Sunny, I think you are still tired. I think that you need to do what they suggest and not worry about the diagnosis. They have you in an oxygen tent when you sleep, which tells me that you are still serious. You get tired easily and need to stay here.”
Sunny asked me, “Will you really stay until I’m better?” With a tear in my eye, I said, “Yes.”
She asked me, “Scott, do you remember me eating chicken feet on the webcam? Have you tried any yet? I want you to have a good experience while you are here. I need to sleep again, will you go have some chicken feet?” She was laughing so hard when she finished asking me. She had seen my face while watching her eat chicken feet.
I said, “Sunny, you know I am in Beijing because you asked me to come. I want to be here whenever you are awake, you need me here. I would go get chicken feet, I can’t believe I will eat feet, but I don’t speak Chinese and don’t know anyone else here.”
“Don’t worry, I will sleep now and know you will be back after your feet feast. My cousin is at my house now and she will take you. She doesn’t speak English, but I have written this note for you to take to her. It tells her to treat you like a guest to our country and also tells her to take you to lunch, the feet feast. Scott, there is another thing I need to talk to you about.” Her face got serious, and a tear started rolling down her cheek.
I reached up and wiped the tear off her face, and waited for her to continue. She started sobbing, and I went over and hugged her. I didn’t understand what would be so bad. “My parents are coming tomorrow.” I looked at her, why would that make her cry? She said, “There is something I never told you, I live in Beijing because I don’t want to live near my parents. They love me very much, but they are not kind to their children. I can’t tell you more, but I will need you to be strong for me when they are here. Please understand.”
I understood nothing about what she said, “Okay, I will help in any way I can.” I took the note she had written and gave her a peck on the cheek and slipped out the door, as Sunny was put under the oxygen tent.
I decided to walk back to her apartment again, I needed time to think about things. Why was I in Beijing with this relative stranger? Why did I care so much about her? What was I going to do to help her, or myself for that matter?
I always worry about me caring for others so much. I often worry about others more than I do about myself. I will sacrifice a lot just to help a single person that might need my help. I get in trouble because I care so much, and others don’t understand my motivation. I grew up always going to church, and truly believing that God had a mission for me. Why did I survive my car crash, and when I did, why weren’t there more problems with my health and physical condition? Why did some things come to me so easily, and others that should be easy was I not successful with? I feel so frustrated sometimes because things just don’t happen right in my life.
When I left the Army and tried to get a teaching job I had a really hard time. I was really struggling, I had a baby on the way, didn’t have a job, and found out that I wasn’t really qualified for anything. Even though I had an elementary teaching credential, was an officer in the Army for 10 years, and had a BA from a very good school. What was the matter!!
I was looking for answers to my question, and ran across a bible verse. Proverbs 16:33 says, “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord”. I can’t remember how I came across that passage, but I remember I started researching what it meant. It touched me and I had to know. I thought about it and how people had always told me that our life is out own. Christians believe that we have a choice of following God or not. Free will is an important part of what I have always viewed as the Christian religion. If we were forced to follow God, then why wasn’t everyone forced to be a Christian? This verse means that we all take risks, we all gamble on what we do. That is what, “The lot is cast into the lap” means; it is like life is a roll of the dice. Sometimes we are lucky and sometimes not. “But its every decision is from the Lord” tells me that God decides on how the dice will end up. Thinking this way has helped me realize something about me. I am an angel of God, he does things through me whether I want to do them or not. It was my choice to run across the street when I was 6 years old, but it was God’s choice that I survived. It was my choice to join the Army right after college, but it was God’s choice that helped me decide to get out, and then he decided where I was to go from there. It was my choice to buy a bookstore in Morgan Hill, California, but it was God’s choice that it wasn’t successful and I had to go teach in Korea. It was my choice to talk to a variety of people on the internet, but it was God’s choice for this girl in Beijing to happen be in the San Francisco chat room and talk to me. I realized I was here on a mission from God. I know that sounds crazy, and it sounds like I’m trying to justify things I do. Over the years I have learned to follow my instincts, or I will be forced to do things I didn’t plan or want to do. I know that I have affected many lives inadvertently.
I don’t know why I have done so many different things in my life, but with my realization that God uses me as his angel, to deliver certain messages to people, I am content. I often think of Hyung Joo in Korea. When I first went there I had no idea what I was supposed to do. People just thought I could teach English as a Second Language because I could speak English and I had an elementary teaching credential. The day after I arrived in Korea, my wife and kids had been there for a month, my wife told me I had my first tutoring class that afternoon. I was still tired from jetlag, but her brother took me to an ESL bookstore and told me to choose a book. Just like that, just choose one, which choice would affect the next 8 years of my life. I picked a book that had lots of pictures, and little writing.
My brother-in-law took me to the house that I was to tutor at. I looked at the buses I had to take and where I had to walk, since I would have to come the next time by myself. I was really confused, but I was excited about teaching. I really didn’t know what was expected. I had never done anything like this before; I had never really known anyone that didn’t speak English when they were young, except my wife. I went into this apartment and it was beautiful. You could tell that it was expensive even though it was an apartment. I later learned that apartments in this area were some of the most expensive real estate in Korea. A beautiful Korean woman, the mother, came to me and said that I am early and asked me to wait for 15 minutes as Hyung Joo needed to finish his math homework. I sat into the living room and the mother went back into the bedroom with the boy sitting on the floor at a table. It was interesting, and a little scary to see this boy hunched over the table studying, and his mother standing behind him with a stick. If he sat up she would gently hit him with the stick and he would bend over again, and study. I watched this spectacle for 15 minutes. Then the mother came out to me, introduced herself, and took me into the boy’s room. She told me that his next teacher would be here in 1 hour, so please not be too much longer than that. I understood how this boy was treated now, he was a study machine. His job in life was to study. I would later realize that my wife was treating me like a money machine, and I realized much about Korean society. I closed the door and sat on the floor, at the table, with Hyung Joo. We did some easy English, “what is your name”, “how old are you”, “where do you live”. Then worked in the book and did some vocabulary building. Then I did something that really surprised the boy. I took out a deck of cards and taught him numbers and we played “go fish”. He couldn’t believe that we could study English and play a game. He thought learning English was only vocabulary and grammar. It was a little funny because he would keep looking at the door like his mother would come in and be upset. I had fun. When I was finished, I talked to the mom, I told her I would emphasize speaking since grammar and vocabulary were things he could learn in a book. She said she wasn’t comfortable with that, but since I was the teacher she would trust me. I kept with my plan of just talking to him and playing games. After two months the mother asked me if I really thought this was helpful to her son. She was really skeptical. I told her to come in the room 15 minutes before the class was over, not say anything, but just observe. I went in the room and closed the door. We had our normal class and about 15 min before the hour was over the mother brought in fruit and something for me to drink. The boy was uncomfortable, and acted like he was doing something wrong. He wouldn’t relax. We started playing “go fish” and he relaxed and just played the game. We had our normal discussion and just talked about things. When it was time to leave the mother asked Young Joo to go get something out of her car and she talked to me about his progress. She said she couldn’t believe how comfortable he was just talking about normal things in his life. She asked how I was able to get so much from him, that he talked more to me in English than he did to most people in Korean. She agreed with my method of teaching. I worked with Young Joo for another 3 years, going to his house once a week and just talking about life, increasing his vocabulary when he needed to learn words, and have him relax and have fun. I really think this is the only time in that little boy’s life that he was able to have fun. After 3 years he had other studies and I got busy too, so we lost touch. I left Korea 5 years later, when that little boy was in 9th grade. I was in a store a few months before we left and a high school boy came up to me and asked me if I was Scott. I said yes and he introduced himself as Young Joo, and asked me if I remembered him. I told him I did and asked how he was doing. As we talked I realized that his English was perfect. He had no accent and his grammar and vocabulary was very good. I asked him how he got his English so good. He smiled, and pointed at me and said, “You”. He said he had always wanted to thank me for helping him at that time in his life. After saying good-bye I walked out of the store with a tear in my eye, happy that I had affected his life so much. I realized God had sent me to that little boy.
I don’t often tell people about my philosophy. Whenever I tell people that I think I’m an angel, sent here to do God’s little jobs, they laugh and think I’m joking. I always want to tell them about Nancy Anderson. If they knew about her, maybe they would be more inclined to understand my way of thinking. Nancy was in the class when I did student teaching. I taught a fourth grade class in Lompoc, California. I spent three months teaching those fourth graders the last quarter of my college years. The month after I finished that class, and graduated I was an officer in the Army, and six months later I was stationed in Germany.
Nancy was a very pretty girl. She was a blonde girl with olive colored skin, her mom was Japanese and father was Caucasian. She was a normal kid that fit in well in the class, nothing that separated her from the rest of the class. I was a fun teacher. I always look for innovative ways to teach the class. During recess I would often play four-square with the kids or just talk with them. I became their friend as well as teacher. It was a great experience for me.
I never knew how much I affected those children’s lives until I got a phone call 13 year later. I was in my bookstore Nancy Anderson called me. I was surprised and asked her how she got that number, since it was in a different city than I had ever lived before. She told me she had my address from when I was teaching her, I gave to the kids to write me when I went into the Army. She had kept that address for 13 years. She looked up the phone number and had called my mom and she had given Nancy the phone number of the bookstore.
Nance said she called me because she wanted to say thank you. She was now 22 years old, living in Nebraska, had 2 kids, and divorced. She said that her life was really going bad and she wanted to say thank you because those few months I was her teacher were the best months of her life. I rolled my eyes and didn’t really understand thought she was exaggerating and didn’t know why. She continued by telling me that in those days her father used to hit her every night. He and her mom used to fight all the time, then the father would come in and hit her. She was an abused child and the only relief in her life was my class. The other teachers were nice, but she thought I was the only adult at the time that she was comfortable with. Since she was having such a hard time in her life she wanted to say hi to me and thanks. I was really touched by her story. I had to sit down, and I didn’t say anything, just listened. After she finished her story I asked if there was anything I could do to help her now. She said no, and didn’t say much more, just said good bye and hung up. I never knew what happened to Nancy after that, but I realized that I had touched her life, without even knowing it. God had put me in that classroom for a reason, I didn’t know if Nancy was the only reason, or if there were other lives I had touched so much at that time.
So, now I was in Beijing. Visiting a girl I had only known for a few short weeks. I had felt a closeness to her the first time we talked. Sunny was someone very special to me. It was a coincidence that we met, but I knew that God had sent me to Beijing, I just didn’t know why.
I arrived at Sunny’s apartment and used the key I had been given and saw that her cousin was there. I didn’t know the cousins name, so I just said hi and gave her the paper that Sunny had given me. She giggled with her hand over her mouth and reached up and hugged me. I really didn’t understand. She took my hand and led me back out the door and we went down the elevator to the small shop across the street. The smell was great, I didn’t know what kind of restaurant this was and it seemed like a fast food place. We sat down at a small table, it was nice being alone with the cousin, even though she couldn’t speak a word of English. A waitress came by and they said something fast between them and the waitress laughed and left. The cousin looked at me and smiled. I asked, “What is your name?” She answered, “My name is Wong Jing, but call me Wanda.” I was surprised to find out that Wanda spoke such good English. She saw the look on my face and laughed again. She told me that she was shy about her English and knew it wasn’t very good. I said it wasn’t bad, and I was glad I could talk to her a little. I asked her what we were going to eat. She said something in Chinese, and said she didn’t know the English word. She pointed to the picture of the chicken on the wall, and picked up her leg and pointed at her feet, and laughed again. I was curious how they served chicken feet. The waitress came out with two plates with meat on it. I looked closer at what was on the plates. One plate had a red barbecue sauce on what looked like three toed chicken feet. The other plate had the chicken feet without the red sauce on them, the feet were breaded and deep fat fried like KFC does their chicken. Wanda was hungry and immediately picked up one of the barbecued feet and put the whole thing in her mouth, then chewed the meat off the bones and put the bones on an empty plate. I followed her example. I closed my eyes and gobbled up the barbecued foot. It was hot and very spicy. The meat came off the bone very easily and it was delicious. I realized how hungry I was and ate couple more of the barbecued feet. I watched Wanda eat the deep fried feet. She dipped the foot in the white sauce, and licked at it, then just ate the whole foot again. I was having fun now and started eating all the chicken feet. Wanda was full, and stopped eating, and I pointed at the barbecued feet and asked for more. The waitress came with more and smiled seeing that I enjoyed Chinese cuisine.
When we finished I tried to pay, and Wanda ignored me and paid and then took my hand and led me out of the restaurant. We walked back to the apartment and I went to my laptop and turned it on to do emails and see if my kids were on to chat. Wanda went to the bedroom and lay down. I said hi to Sarah and helped her with some homework. I sent Lindsey and Jayne a quick note to tell them that I was ok and didn’t know when I would be back home. I did some work emails and looked into the room where Wanda was laying down. I smiled as I thought about her English.
She reminded me of the first time I had met my children’s mother. The first time I met her I was fairly new in Korea. She worked in the restaurant and was a very pretty woman. I was trying to think of something to talk to her about so I asked a question about Korean language that I had often heard.
I said, “Bo, what does ‘moola’ mean in Korean?” I had heard many people say the word “moola” when they were speaking in Korean. “Moola” means money in English, but I didn’t know what it meant in Korean.
Bo replied, “I don’t know.”
I said, “You don’t know what “moola” means in English?”
She said, “I know, what ‘moola’ means in English, it means I don’t know.”
I really was a little confused, I didn’t know if “moola” meant “I don’t know” or if she didn’t know what it meant. I kept asking, and eventually realized that “moola” means “I don’t know” in English. But, at this point it was very funny to see her frustration. She pulled out a dictionary and showed me what the dictionary said. I kept the puzzled look on my face and kept telling her I didn’t understand. Bo called over one of her coworkers and told me to ask them the question. I asked and they told me, “I don’t know”. I asked why they didn’t know and they laughed and walked away. This went on for thirty minutes until I told her I understood. She smiled a pretty smile that touched my heart, and I ended up dating and marrying that woman.
I looked back at Wanda and noticed her crying as she was on the bed. I went into the room and put my arms around her and hugged her for a long time. Her tears were making my shirt wet. I didn’t understand why she was crying.
I asked, “Wanda, why cry?”
She replied, “Sunny much sick. I know she is not good.”
I hugged her more, and tears were in my eyes too. I didn’t know how, or even if I should tell Wanda what the doctor had told me. I didn’t say anything, just hugged her. I stayed with her, as she lied back on the bed and cried in my arms. She fell asleep on the bed, and I didn’t want to move and wake her up, so I shut my eyes, and slept with her in my arms.
When I woke up the next morning I had a beautiful Chinese woman in my arms. I gently kissed her cheek and quietly got up. I didn’t want to wake Wanda up so I quickly took a shower and stealthily left the apartment, without letting her know I had left. I walked to the hospital in the freezing cold and was thinking about what Sunny had wanted to talk to me about her parents and why when they come she should cry.
I picked up a breakfast sandwich to eat as I was walking, and since I had slept so good I was in a good mood when I went into Sunny’s room. She was eating as I came into the room and her face lit up when I entered. She pushed her food to the side and raised her arms to hug me. I came and hugged her and she kissed my cheek. She whispered in my ear and said Wanda had called her and told her that we had slept in each other’s arms. Sunny looked in my eyes and said she was happy I could help Wanda, and then kissed me on my lips. I savored the feeling, and kept my arms around her. While holding her I whispered into her ear that I wanted to know more about her family and why her parents make her cry. She held me tighter, and I could feel her tears on my shoulder. Sunny pushed me away, and told me to sit in the chair.
Sunny told me that I always told her fun and happy stories and she knew she needed to tell me a story, but it wasn’t happy and wasn’t fun. Her dad was an officer in the Army. Her mom was in the Army too, but she was a ballet teacher. Her dad was always nice to her. She was his little princess. He was often gone for long periods of time and when he came back he always brought her small gifts and would give her all of his attention. When he was home he would spend much time with her. He would take her places and discuss her life and help her make decisions. She loved her dad very very much.
Her mom was her ballet teacher. Since she was 5 her mom had decided she would be a ballerina. They started with diet and stretching exercises, for hours every day. If Sunny was sick or tired she would still have to exercise and ballet would be more important than her health. Sunny was sad that she never had a mom, she only had a ballet teacher. Her mom would get her up 2 hours early before school to work on her stretching and routines. She would then go to school and after school she would go to ballet classes. After class she would have the “opportunity” for private lessons with her mom/coach. After 4 hours of ballet, she got the chance to do her homework. Sunny told me she loved doing homework, because it kept her away from her mom. She confessed her mom would be a monster when teaching ballet; not only the constant yelling, but also the hitting with a stick, or belt when she wasn’t perfect. She was a fantastic ballerina, but it was a nightmare to her. Dance was her life, and she would excel in school to escape that nightmare. Her mom was so intent on making her a dancer that Sunny didn’t have a chance to have a life. When she applied to universities she put the opposite of dance, economics. She told her mom she put dance and she went to recitals and auditioned for the schools. She didn’t get into a school as a Dance major, but did as an Economics major. Her mother was furious, and beat her so much when she found out that she couldn’t meet her friends for a week until her bruises had faded.
Sunny looked up at me with tears streaming down her face. She begged me to hold her, and when I did she pulled me into bed with her. Her sobs got loud and she buried her face into my shoulder. I held her tight and she cried harder. I thought I understood what the problem was with her parents.
Sunny wiped her tears off on my chest and continued. I found out I didn’t know what was the real problem. She told me the real problem was that her mom was jealous of her relationship with her dad. Sunny realized that her dad spent more time with her than he did with her mom. She didn’t realize that when she was young, but through the years she would realize her mom would become more brutal right after her dad went away and as the years went on she found out that it wasn’t usual for a married couple to have separate bedrooms. Her dad always told her that they were able to do it because of his position and they were able to have a big house. She realized that her father had a second wife somewhere else and that is why her father was always gone, and only came back home to see his daughter. Even her older brother started to resent her relationship with her father.
Sunny cuddled with me for a while, then started to cry. She told me how happy she was that I was there with her and how she needed me when her parents come. She asked me to go somewhere with Wanda today, and let her spend time alone with her parents. She said that tomorrow she would be really depressed and she needed me to be with her more than anything she has ever needed.
I realized this was the time I needed to talk about the elephant in the room. I needed to know why John was her boyfriend, but she wanted me to be with her in China when she was sick. With me lying in bed with her I looked into her eyes and kissed her. I held her tight and then sat up and held her hand. I looked down at her and tears started streaming down her cheeks again. I started to ask about John, but as soon as I mentioned his name she put her finger up to my mouth and said she had some more to talk to me about.
John had been in China for a year. Her parents had met him once when they came to visit. Her mom decided that he would be a great husband for her. She had agreed with her mom and realized that John was the perfect future boyfriend. He was handsome, had a great job, and treated her like a lady. He had never tried to do more than kiss her and she didn’t feel any pressure from him. He had offered to pay for her to go to San Francisco to get her Masters in Economics, even though she had a Doctorate from the top University in Beijing. He said she needed to get an American education and he would pay for it. Her parents agreed that it was the best thing for her. She told me that she had disappointed her parents so much while she was growing up she felt she needed to make amends and follow them now. I let go of her hand and pulled my chair a little from the bed. She cried again and held out her hand for me to hold. So, I reached out and held her hand.
Sunny told me one reason she was always crying these days was because she felt a deep depression. She never felt happy any more. She looked at me, her eyes tearing. Sunny then told me that I was the first one in her life that brought out her passion. She said even when she danced she did it from her head, not her heart. She knew it was wrong to let me fall in love with her, but I made her happy. When I was with her, either in person or on line she always smiled and felt good. She needed me to be her best friend because she knew there would be many problems in her life, and she needed me to be with her at those times. She knew it wasn’t fair to me, but she knew I loved her and would help her whenever she needed me. I smiled and moved my chair closer to her bed.
She explained to me that she was initially attracted to John because he was an older man and reminded her of her dad. When she found out John wasn’t really attracted to her, but only looked at her as a way to increase his income she realized how big a mistake she had made. She found me in a chat room and realized what a good caring relationship could be like. She needed me in her life and would try to follow her parent’s wishes as long as she could. She knew she had to go to America and then she could take control of her life. She would accept John’s kindness and allow him to pay for her schooling as long as he didn’t ask for much in return. As soon as he wanted her to be his real girlfriend she would let him know she would pay him back the money he spent on bringing her to San Francisco and the money he had spent on her school.
She asked me to try to understand her relationship with her family and John. I squeezed her hand and said I was trying to understand. I asked her why she never returned my text messages when she was in the hospital at first. She didn’t understand what I was talking about. I told her I texted her phone often, and tried calling her often when she first went into the hospital. She gasped and turned her back to me and cried loudly. I sat there quietly for a few minutes and waited for her to answer me. She turned over and faced me. She told me that in China when a person was in the hospital a family member stayed with them. These days she was getting better and didn’t need it, but before I had come to China her brother had been staying with her, and he had her phone. She knew she had received messages, and the phone had rung, but her brother had read the messages and answered the phone. He usually told her who had called or sent texts, but sometimes he said it was for him, or was not important. He had told her he didn’t want to increase her stress because she was so weak. She explained that her parents and brother had decided that nothing should interfere with her and John’s relationship. She apologized for her family. She told me that is why she wanted me to go with Wanda today when her parents were visiting. She didn’t want them to know I was in Beijing. I asked if she was upset that I slept with her cousin. She said she wanted me to become close to Wanda and that was the plan all along. Wanda knew what was going on and their plan was for me to act like Wanda’s boyfriend if Sunny’s parents ever met me. I understood better.
I wondered if it was better for me to go with Wanda, or if I should stay around the hospital when Sunny’s parents were visiting. I remembered an old girlfriend of mine, Beth. One night I was visiting Beth’s house and watching television with her parents, sister, and Beth. During the commercial I jumped up and ran to the bathroom so I could be back when the show resumed. While I was gone I started to hear her mom and dad arguing. Her dad was yelling at her mom about his clothes not being clean for the next day. She said not to worry, that they would be ready. He got really angry and said she always did this to him, and she should be able to get have his clothes cleaned more often, so he didn’t have to stress that he would not have clothes for work. I was in the bathroom washing my hands and decided to stay a little longer, out of the line of fire, and get my hands really clean. The yelling started getting more intense, and the two daughters started yelling at the dad to calm down. I felt like an intruder in their house. I didn’t know what I should do. I heard a slap and the mother start crying. The girls were starting to scream and the father was yelling louder. I debated to myself what to do. I had known that Beth’s father sometimes hit her mother, but I knew if the mother wanted it stopped she could just leave. In fact, we had discussed it periodically. She said if she left she really had no place to go. The family was just dysfunctional and dealt with these problems often. I sat down on the edge of the tub, listening to this family fight in the living room. I decided not to get involved and slipped out the front door.
I thought about what I would do if I heard them fight, and it being in Chinese. I realized that I would have no idea how to handle the situation. Sunny knew how to deal with her parents. Me being around would add more stress to the situation rather than reduce the stress. So, I decided to go sightseeing with Wanda that afternoon. I asked Sunny if there was anything I could do for her before I left. She looked me in the eyes and squeezed my hand. Her eyes started watering up and she smiled. She told me that I always told her happy stories to make her laugh, she asked me if I had ever been in a situation where I didn’t know what to do, and what did I do. I smiled and told her about my trip from El Paso, Texas to Los Angeles, California. I had met two other guys while training with the Army for three weeks when I was in college. They lived in Los Angeles and I lived in Monterey, California. I could fly back to Monterey, or I could drive back with them and take a short flight up to Monterey, saving some money. I decided to drive with them. It was a 12 hour drive so we started around 11 in the morning and planned on getting to L.A. around midnight. I would stay at one of their houses that night and fly the one hour to Monterey the next morning. We shared driving and I was driving in California when we needed to stop for gas in Barstow. This was when most gas stations still had attendants that pumped gas for their customers, but I thought I would save some money and pulled into a 7-11 where I had to pump my own gas. The other two were sleeping and I got out to go pay for the gas in the store. As I was standing in line I heard the crowd in the store start yelling that there was a fight and looking out the window. I paid for the gas and went to look out the window with everyone else. I saw 6 Hispanic guys standing around two bodies on the ground and just kicking them. I looked over where the car I was driving was and both the side doors were open and next to it was a “low rider” car with its doors left open also. I realized the two bodies lying on the road were the guys I was traveling with. I didn’t know what to do. I looked at Sunny with a question in my eyes, remembering exactly how I felt. I told her I didn’t know if I should jump into the fight and probably end up next to the other two getting kicked like a rag doll, or wait for the police to call. I told her I knew there was a pistol in the car I was traveling in and that was another option. While I was standing there thinking about what to do a police car pulled into the 7-11 and the gang of guys got into their car and sped off.
